JUST SAD

I am so safe in writing this blog entry.  That's because nobody reads it.  So I can write this and I won't get reported as to being an almost senior citizen in need of monitoring or psychiatric help or just fucking nuts.

I'm just tired and sad.  I get approximately 100 emails per day, mostly people who need something from me.  I get unanswered phone calls from every charity that found out that I gave to another charity and I don't have the money to give to them.

I work so many hours at my job that I can't even spend any time at my heart's desire which is music and art.

Even my dogs suffer because I can't walk them every day. Sometimes my hips just hurt too much.

I have never gone on a vacation. Seriously, and I'll explain all that in a minute.  As to the present, even if I got the opportunity for a "vacation", I would first have to consider where the Hell we'd get the thousand plus dollars to do it...then I'd have to wonder if Ron could get the time off...then I have no idea if I could even manage to enjoy it at this point.  I'd probably worry about whether or not my babies were being cared for and if I would come home to (as I have before) all my plants dead and a yard that looked like it had been nuked.

I've had to take care of everything and everyone for so long, I don't know how to not do it.  I twisted my ankle tonight bringing Carson home from the vet because he bolted out of the car and I didn't want him to run in the street.  I took a bad step onto a stone and, thankfully recovered myself before I fell. That would be way beyond what I can handle. So now I have a swollen ankle, just in time for my trip to see Dad and Mom.

I'm tired.  I'm just tired of being the go-to person for everything.  I can't imagine what it's like for my friends who go on cruises and trips and don't think of anything else but having a nice time.  I've never done that in all of my life.  Thank God nobody reads this.  I don't want sympathy and so this way I get to feel tired and burned out and sad and wiped and nobody has to tell me that a lot of people all over the world have it a lot worse than I do.  I'm well aware. I'm just really, really tired and really really sad.  It will be nice to see my family, at least for a few days.  I wish, at the age of almost 59, I had a few more options.  Guess I'd better think about trying to move to Canada. Or something.