TV WOMEN AND REALITY

Okay.  I hate chocolate.  I hate all sweets.  I also try to exercise as much as possible and have since I could remember.  All of my life I had my mother telling me "get on the bike" and I did...I biked to my art classes every day every summer...at least 6 miles.  I've walked and I've worked out and I've exercised and I am FREAKING FAT!!!

I see all these shows on television where these absolutely pristine and perfect women eat chocolate and cake and look like they could do a catwalk in a bikini.  I never eat any of that. I never have.

I look like a beached whale.  My gut would cover three bikinis and I never display my arms in public.

I am waiting for network TV to show someone as wonderful as me (other than Dr. Bailey on Grey's Anatomy who isn't even close to my fat ratio) as a hero.

I'm tired of being embarrassed every time I walk out of the house.  I'm tired of cutting off my food intake at 2 pm and still seeing no evidence of my efforts on the scale.  I'm tired of swimming and walking the dogs to the best of my ability with my debilitating bursitis, each step hurting beyond description, but still doing this hoping for maybe some difference...but, no.  And it has been "no" all my life.

I started obsessing as a teenager, and I have been on regimen after regimen.  I could show you photos of me that are drop dead gorgeous.  But they are crap because they are programs meant to keep you on the program. The only success I have seen are with these bogus programs...I have done them all.  Nutri System, E-Diets, and all those local protein diets that have you worried about even taking a host at communion.  REALLY?

I don't know the answer but I will tell you that I only wish I had one friend who would commit to taking a walk with me three days a week.  You know what?  Nobody responds.  Now, if I send out an email for people who would like to join me for martini's I have a crowd.  I don't need help with martini's. I can make one myself if I need it.

I don't know the answer. I don't need help to have a drink.  I need a friend to help me stay alive. I am so freaking sick of being fat.  I'm also sick of being alone.  As motivated as I am, I just can't be a Lance Armstrong because I have to sit at a freaking computer for 10 hours a day.  Help.