HAPPY NEW LIFE

I am a great aunt.  That goes without saying, but I am also truly a great aunt.  My nephew, Ben, was proudly witness to his beautiful wife, Kathy, doing all the work in bringing Kimberly into the world.  That's the only way I can put this because, I'm sorry, guys walk around all proud while the women just begin their journey.  I love them all and I am proud and happy.  I haven't missed the honor that I believe Ben bestowed upon Grampa (my Dad) in his daughter's name.  If I'm reading too much into it, I'm still happy for everyone. I have a great love for the name Kimberly for many reasons.  Perhaps the stuff of future blogs.

I wish that beautiful new life the hope of a beautiful new world. I will leave it at that for now.  

VICARIOUS JOY

I have long known that my son was exceptional.  How I had to fight for that is another story for another time.

He has lived through Hell for the past several years and now is shining through at a career that not only honors his talent but his joy.

When he was a kid, I took him to as many big amusement parks and rode the bestest and newest roller coasters with him.  We had such a time.

Now he's promoting an amusement park in downtown Denver that has existed for over 100 years.  121 to be exact.

He's working with and within a quality organization and he is doing what he knows best...taking initiative and driving it home.

I'm as proud as I can be and I remember well being his age and living your joy.

I can survive anything when I know my son is happy.  He has earned his stripes and gets to ride a roller coaster any time he wants.  As the younger people say..."Sweet."

I'M MADELINE KAHN

I'm tired.  Some friends and I were laughing about that absolute genius scene in "Blazing Saddles"...that's how I've approached life.  Find a way to make it funny.

I'm truly tired.  I've never gone on a trip that hasn't involved work.  I've had one "vacation" where I stayed home for 2 weeks during the Christmas holidays back in the late 80's when I worked for the county court.  I spent the time working on music for my other job and cleaning.  That was my big vacation of a lifetime.

I will demand vacation time this year but I don't know what I'm going to do with it.  I wish I had a lot of followers because then I'd do some sort of contest with great ideas.

I hate Vegas, I don't gamble, I am too fat to appear in public in a swimming suit so anything on a beach is out of the question and then, my husband is on location somewhere between Louisiana and Texas.  I'm too embarrassed about how fat I am to go to a spa because I know fucking well that those people talk amongst themselves after and I can only imagine how they laugh at how disgusting some of the clients are and I would definitely be one of the points of ridicule.

I would like to go somewhere and disappear.  Fade into the life of the people in some distant place and not worry about anything else.  But how in the world could I do that?  Who will take care of things?  I'm the go to person for everything.

I'm tired.  Since so very few people read this, I can safely say that if you happen upon this post, chalk it up to the fact that I have nowhere else to go with my bitching.  Nowhere to rant so I send it out to the universe.  If any of you have a great idea, all you out there in the netherlands, send it to me.   In the meantime, I'm painting the front door tomorrow for Mother's Day.  My gift to me.  Somebody's got to do it, it looks like crap.

OUR AMAZING WORLD

Sunday night, "The Celebrity Apprentice" was interrupted by the news that our incredible Special Ops Navy Seals had eliminated Osama Bin Laden.  I sent messages to both my son and my sister, Jane, who were otherwise occupied and both were astonished.

I have had so many vacillating feelings...to celebrate the death of another seems somehow so macabre.  However, the peace in knowing that this person whose demented bastardization of the Muslim faith can no longer spread his hate is tangible.

So I honor the incredible military who executed this necessary mission.  I honor our brave President who chose to attempt something that, if it failed, could end his chances of a second term and forever mar his record.

Today was poignant and clarifying for me.  President Obama's visit with the 9-11 families and the stories that I heard from them throughout the day gave such merit to the mission.  The death of Bin Laden opened up a wound again...in a very important way.  It was the first step to true healing.  It was as if a poisonous hornet had been allowed to fly free and sting people again and again and again and nobody would do anything about it.  Finally, a President and an incredibly brave force took a giant fly swatter and killed it.  The evil insect was dead and could never again sting or wound or kill another soul.

I don't celebrate his death but I celebrate his demise.  I am so very happy that he is gone.  By the way, the President who got him was an allegedly "soft on defense" Democrat.  "W" said "I don't know where he is...frankly, I don't think about him..."
Well, Obama was still thinking about him.  He got him.

And now, being my Father's daughter, I was watching my Colorado Rockies play tonight and Todd Helton, who has spent his entire career as a Rocky, surpassed Lou Gehrig's record for all time doubles.  I cried again.

Both sets of tears were real and valid.  Tonight, as I lay down my head I'm proud... Proud of my Country, Proud of my President, Proud of my kids out there fighting to protect us, and proud of my baseball team.  It doesn't get much better than that!

SPRING

I found out recently that my pal, McCurry had suffered a fall.  His steadfast and loving partner, Margie, sent out an after email.  I sent a reply to her to also share with him...yes, himself the elf...my partner in crime for so many years back when I could hop a hedge or hide behind a truck to watch the results of a practical joke.  What a time.  Since McCurry remarked (upon his release from the Hospital on Easter, about noon-time) "I rose a little later than Christ," I thought I should share with all of you my feelings about my now octogenarian friend and his always beautiful and loving partner.  So...a dissertation on friendship and spring to my beloved friends:

So you are home and so you will heal.  Healing, I might add, in the appropriate season for such things...a plant that I believe is gone and one day I sigh and walk out with a trowel only to find that it has suddenly shown green shoots. 

 

A rose that withered in the late autumn begs one tiny red sprig that says "cull me back and I'll rise agin' fer ye."  I decided to "Irish" that line especially for the two of you...you two perennials of my life. You live in me and dwell in my heart every day. 

 

My love for you is not the tiny sprig but the deep root that reaches through the dry soil to a well far beneath.  New plants can't find it.  Only we old established thorny buggers can survive rain, sleet, drought, ice and wind.  We have weathered the storms of sparse and abandonment, hunger, fear and emptiness.  We have also reveled in the warmth of sun, the healing rain, abundance and joy. 

 

We need no churches for they are the houses of the pretty annuals.  Not undeserving of our love, I give them home and house every year and they bless and adorn my life for a while.  They are flirtatious and more than pretty...they capture jealous eyes with their glorious but temporary beauty. 

 

But then we come to you.  The perennials...crocus that rise through the snow.  Daffodils that bust out when they should be shivering and Viola (Johnny Jump Ups) that just pepper the place with their tenacity and determination to bring one more bloom, one more burst of color into my life.  Not to mention big fat tulips that holler to the bees to get over here and take care of my apple trees while you're at it.  That is you.  You, you, you, my perennial forever friends. 

 

In this glorious season of life, take slow and tender breaths, let your nose lead the way so that the scent of spring will lead you into one more summer of joy.  I love you beyond any words that I could write.  You have given me more than you will ever know.  I love you.

May we all have friends to love as I love mine.  A day late but not a bit short:  Joyous and Happy Easter, Glorious spring to us all.

FINALLY

My father was not just a father.  He was a Dad.  He put everything aside and paid it off as he went.  I understand his thinking.  In this economy, as a woman pushing 60, I have still had to borrow money from him too many times.  However, as he has reminded me, I am one of only two of his kids who takes the word borrow literally and I have always paid him back every penny with interest.  Since he won't accrue it, I have had many joyous opportunities to translate that interest into interesting gifts along the way.

My son is about to embark upon a career.  He has, at long last, landed a wonderful position as the PR and Marketing Manager for Elitch Gardens. It is a glorious place, an amusement park among the few left in a downtown setting.  He has a lot on his plate but I'm certain that if he gets stressed he can leave his office, go on the Batman ride and go back to work.  Dad waited a long time to get his little boat and I am so happy that I had a chance to fish with him many times even plugging the leaks and laughing as we shared a sandwich and landed a trout.  He named that boat "Finally."  I name this week and this well deserved landing for my son the same.

"FINALLY."

Dad, that little motor took us a long way.  Jimmy is just getting started.

ONE OF A KIND

My best friend, Thom, called me this morning to let me know that someone we loved had died. She had been sick for a while but had recently been released from the hospital. Some mutual friends found her at her home.

The world has lost a force and a spirit unlike any I have ever known. She wore her hair in a wild undo that looked like something was nesting in there. She was quick with a smile, a rowdy laugh, a retort, and a martini. She was a waitress at our favorite restaurant and one of the biggest reasons we loved going there.

Maxine had enough life in her for a dozen people. The concept that she is gone is such a difficult notion to grasp because it seems incomprehensible that so much life could have left this earth without some great disturbance in the force. The idea that we would go there and not see her is just wrong.

Once again, I am reminded of how quickly things change, how fragile and fleeting our time is...how imperative it is to tell one another that we love them, miss them, that we care.

They will be having a celebration of her life at the restaurant. I will be there with friends and the many people who loved her. I believe there will be a full house as anyone who met her would never, ever forget the experience...and their lives will be forever touched in a wacky and outrageously wonderful way.

Goodbye, wonderful Maxine. Oh, how you will be missed. but wherever you are, I know the laughter and the joy can't be far behind.

IT'S TIME

I rehearsed a song that I used to do as a matter of course in my sets and then had to rest for a ridiculous amount of time.  This National Jewish better live up to its name because this breathing thing has me at the ends of my patience.  I want to take a deep breath!

It has, of course, given me new empathy for people with breathing disorders...takes one to know one...I have odd moments when I can take a full breath, which I used to take as a matter of life.  Again and again, I am reminded that every single moment and everything that happens in the course of a day is a miracle.  I just have to figure out a way to avoid wasting this miracle.

I just watched an old Nora Ephron movie that I forgot about..."My Blue Heaven" with Steve Martin and Rick Moranis...I LOVE THIS MOVIE!!  Vinnie is Rocket and it's just full of love and fun and I forgot about worrying for a moment.

I have a voice that keeps telling me that no matter how much I do, it's not enough.  I actually know that this is true because I really believe that I'm supposed to do something with a kid's choir and I haven't figured out how to do it.  I wish I had followers because they could possibly help me.

I think I should be clocking out at 5 and at a community center by 6 or 6:30 with a bunch of kids who I teach to sing and create and then we go and do concerts.  Like what was done for me when I was in high school.  That group of singers saved me.

I'm sick and I'm tired and I know part of it is true disease but I think that part of it is not having a reason to live.  A reason to pull every ounce of passion I have out of my old, tired, sick, fat body into showing up just once more.

I need someone to help me do this. If ever the times called for it, it is now.  Perhaps it is my time.  Followers or not, I have to figure out a way to do this. I still have the heart of a true believer.  Maybe it's just time I show it.

WHAT CAN I SAY

I am really tired.  I've found out there's a reason for that...I have a condition that causes me to lose oxygen every time I walk around.  Now if I'm sitting still, or even swimming or using my "bean" which I rock to exercise my stomach muscles, I feel okay.  But if I get up to...say...do my garden, or vacuum, or even do the dishes, I'm out of breath.

I'm going to the best place for breathing issues in the country.  I won't elaborate on that any more.  I'm just pissed about it.

I quit smoking in 1987.  I worked out.  I did everything right.  I'm so tired of being sick, overweight (which now may have an explanation...lack of oxygen which leads to lack of ability to do anything strenuous) and tired.

This is nothing but a rant.  I don't want to be sick.  I don't like the couch.  It's getting permanent indentations from my big ass.  I want to do stuff.  Like even walk the dogs, for Christ's sake!

I should be going to bed and I'm all worked up because all this has come down in the past couple days.  I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I'm too fucking young to be this old.

Over and out...the old broad.  I don't have one single sunshiney wisdom to share today.  I'm a wet hen...and that's pretty damned mad.

THE TIMELINE OF GRIEF

I have been thinking about all the friends and family I have lost in the last few months.  It's strange how one can miss people who have been absent from your life.  I think it's because you grew accustomed to the fact that they were there...whether you attended your rose or not.

I'm referencing, of course, "The Little Prince."  How he put his rose in a glass globe and attended all of its needs, regardless the reward.  The reward was in the tending.

Conversely, there are those who really don't want to think of these things...I have been told by a family member that she distinctly does not want my "preaching" as regards bringing peace into our lives and forgiving.  I have to accept that as well.

Everyone has their own process of grieving and dealing with what life brings to us.  I have to accept the fact that I am not in charge of how others grieve...or how they deal with loss.  While I cry and try to lift up good memories, some people have to work through years of anger before they can even get to a good memory.

And so it goes.  I've lost a brother and a lot of friends in the past few months.  Today, mid-afternoon, Jimmy came over very cheerful and upbeat and I told him that I didn't know why but I just had this feeling of pervading sadness.  I think it all caught up to me.

I will do my minute for the world tomorrow.  No matter what the loss I feel tonight, friends whom I have loved and lost, it can't compare with the hurt around the world.  I won't minimize my feeling but to spend a few moments in silent reflection for those whose loss I can't even comprehend will, I believe, help to bring about a healing.

In the meantime, to the world who will never read this I still know you are out there and I send my love.  I am but a moment's sunlight fading on the grass.  In that context, let my sunlight send love to the universe.  I am not perfect...but I keep trying.