AND SO IT GOES

My brother Jim died.  The EMT's found him in his bed.  We're not certain how long he'd been gone when they found him.  They took him away and sent his little cat to the shelter.  I'm sure she wondered why he didn't wake up to feed her.

It's difficult to write about someone who so deeply alienated himself from his family.  He didn't have many friends.  He didn't make it easy.  Jim was an angry, tortured soul and there aren't many who knew him who didn't, at one time or another, feel the wrath of his demons.

So how do I reconcile this?  The ache I feel inside has lived there for so long because in so many ways, my brother died many years ago.  I just wanted so much more for him than he would allow himself to have.  I wished him so much more love than he was capable of receiving.

I will tell you, though, that there wasn't a cuter little kid on the face of the earth. When we were young, my little brother Jim was dubbed "Jiminy" and when asked his middle name, he would respond "Cricket."  He and I had a special bond and shared a voracious appetite for memorization...we'd perform skits and commercials, me at the table and Jiminy in his "baby tenda" (AKA highchair) believe it or not.  He was precocious and funny and brilliant and mine.

He played the tuba.  He always said he picked it because it was the most misunderstood instrument in the orchestra.  He self identified and majored in music with the tuba and brass instruments as his discipline.  His middle name was Paul and I called him J.P.  Years ago I found a T-shirt that advertised "JP's Tuba Lube."  I gave it to him for Christmas and he loved it.  I saw him wear it often.

So much went wrong for so long.  There's no way to put it into words.  Frankly, it doesn't matter any more.  In the end, he was here and now he's gone.  A moment's sunlight fading on the grass.

We used to go sledding together - his little legs were too tired at the end of a snowy Wisconsin afternoon to walk home.  So on the sled he would sit and I'd pull him, watching the sun sparkle on the snow as it crunched and squeaked beneath my boots.  Bright, white, light.  So, God, I'm handing the sled rope to you now.  The white light is already there.  Pull my brother the rest of the way home.  My heart will follow.

Rest in peace, Jiminy Cricket.  I love you.

TV WOMEN AND REALITY

Okay.  I hate chocolate.  I hate all sweets.  I also try to exercise as much as possible and have since I could remember.  All of my life I had my mother telling me "get on the bike" and I did...I biked to my art classes every day every summer...at least 6 miles.  I've walked and I've worked out and I've exercised and I am FREAKING FAT!!!

I see all these shows on television where these absolutely pristine and perfect women eat chocolate and cake and look like they could do a catwalk in a bikini.  I never eat any of that. I never have.

I look like a beached whale.  My gut would cover three bikinis and I never display my arms in public.

I am waiting for network TV to show someone as wonderful as me (other than Dr. Bailey on Grey's Anatomy who isn't even close to my fat ratio) as a hero.

I'm tired of being embarrassed every time I walk out of the house.  I'm tired of cutting off my food intake at 2 pm and still seeing no evidence of my efforts on the scale.  I'm tired of swimming and walking the dogs to the best of my ability with my debilitating bursitis, each step hurting beyond description, but still doing this hoping for maybe some difference...but, no.  And it has been "no" all my life.

I started obsessing as a teenager, and I have been on regimen after regimen.  I could show you photos of me that are drop dead gorgeous.  But they are crap because they are programs meant to keep you on the program. The only success I have seen are with these bogus programs...I have done them all.  Nutri System, E-Diets, and all those local protein diets that have you worried about even taking a host at communion.  REALLY?

I don't know the answer but I will tell you that I only wish I had one friend who would commit to taking a walk with me three days a week.  You know what?  Nobody responds.  Now, if I send out an email for people who would like to join me for martini's I have a crowd.  I don't need help with martini's. I can make one myself if I need it.

I don't know the answer. I don't need help to have a drink.  I need a friend to help me stay alive. I am so freaking sick of being fat.  I'm also sick of being alone.  As motivated as I am, I just can't be a Lance Armstrong because I have to sit at a freaking computer for 10 hours a day.  Help.

QUARTERBACKS, WOMEN AND SPORTS

I would like to preface this posting with the disclosure that I am of the feminist generation, as well as a rape and domestic abuse survivor.  I was stalked by my abuser and understand what it is to be dehumanized and abused by a man.

Now to the Brett Favre situation.  Bullshit.  I am sick of women who enter the testosterone laden locker rooms of professional athletes, scantily  or suggestively clad while claiming that they only want equal footing with men.  Oh please give me a big fucking break. You are going into that locker room with one agenda and it has to do with you. You no more want to be a masseuse or a reporter or a documentary film maker than I could fit my fat ass into a size 3 pair of jeans. You want attention and you don't care how you get it.

What if the tables were turned?  What if a REEAAALY HOT GUY who had a journalism degree and a microphone decided that he wanted to go interview a women's basketball team in their locker room while they were running around naked.  OMG...that's so totally inappropriate. Guess what, hotty massage therapist...SO ARE YOU.

Furthermore, SHAME ON YOU, New York Jets who was one of my favorite football teams cause I loved Joe Namath. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING????  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???  Out of all the massage therapists for your team that you could hire, you hire scantily clad hotty girls?

Please understand, if this is truly Brett Favre on the tapes and the photos, he really disappoints me.  I'll bet he wishes more than I do that he'd "curbed his enthusiasm" (so to speak)  But just when and under what conditions did these massages take place?  Male athletes are pigs for the most part and we, as Americans, like it that way.  We groom them to be iron men and that includes that testosterone thing.  I'm not excusing it but why hire a women into that situation when there are so many other options?

My last statement on this whole thing is that if this woman was so terribly harmed, why has it taken her until now to come forward?  I don't think Brette has had so much free time that he stalked, intimidated or scared her into silence.

For those of you who are doing your bits about "this is what he'll be remembered for" please give me a break. His 37 yard over the shoulder touchdown pass to Moss was his 500th career touchdown pass.  He finished the game with 502 career touchdowns.  Gee, and that was just last night.

In the end, it's all about some bimbo's 15 minutes of fame. I would hope that if I ever get my 15 it will be for something that matters. Your 15 minutes, Bimbo, amounts to the fact that I don't even know your name. And I'm saying that as a feminist, rape and domestic abuse survivor.  We know the difference because we have actually been harmed.

WHY I'M A LIBERAL

I realize that this is the second post of the evening. I'm having some trouble sleeping since I've had to make up for the work I missed and deal with, once again, saying goodbye to my family.  Which is what also brings me to this posting. I CAN'T SLEEP!!!  I'm also afraid of the precipice that the election of Rand Paul, Ken Buck Sharon Angle and Witchy Woman in Delaware would lead us to stand upon.

I just can't understand the Ayn Rand crap that leads to the social Darwinism advocated by people who want us to teach the fantasy land that is "intelligent design."  However, these same people want us to treat our entire society to their version of survival of the fittest...if you're not born into enough resources to give you a fair shake in the America that they envision, you must just relegate yourself to working a serf life as a convenience store clerk or a 72 year old McDonald's employee asking "Do you want fries with that?"

I am appalled by the new Walmart Ads where they hand pick a few token people who advanced in the company.  What a bunch of crap.  A race to the bottom company that abuses their employees in ways that defy social conscience pimping out a minority employee for a commercial that says "I LOVE working here." Bullshit.

I am appalled by the money from outside our state and that is being lambasted from Karl Rove and friends into every state.  The Supreme Court led by John Roberts has opened the floodgates to the death of the common man representing his district.  It is now a money game to the point of complete bastardization of our entire repubic.

So, what can I do?  Stuff voter guides and give people rides.  Vote and forward every email to everyone I know to get out the vote.  After that, nothing.

But, in the end, I just don't get it.  A guy who would see his neighbor in trouble and rush to his rescue would not extend that philosophy of his responsibility to society.  A man in Tennessee watched his house go up in flames because he neglected to pay the $75 fee to "pay to spray"  fee. The county had privatized the fire department.  He and his neighbors tried to pay on the spot and the fire fighters cried as they told him that they weren't allowed to accept the payment, nor could they help him.  He lost two cats and two dogs in the fire and has nothing but rubble to show for his life.

What have we become?   By the way, I don't give a crap that I was required to read "Atlas Shrugged" in High School.  I'll never understand why it was considered literature or relevant. It is crap. It is garbage.  It defies everything that makes us human.  Compassion, love, and social justice.  Ayn Rand had better like warm climates because her philosophies are relegated to the hottest flames of Hell.  I'll bet she never struggled or  missed a meal. Had she EVER suffered hardship her let them rot ideas would have never formed or been put to print - at least by her.

With that, I'll sign off.  For Christ's sake vote and vote for the ones who will inch us closer to being a better, caring and loving society. We could do that.  Look to our Northern neighbors.  They got it right.  Perhaps it's time to emulate.

WONDERFUL WEEKEND

Well, I got to go back to Wisconsin to celebrate my Dad's 87th birthday and be with my family.  I know, lots of people think that's the last thing they'd like to do but I was in Heaven.

I watched "Cheyenne" with my Dad Thursday and Friday, plus baseball and football.  Mom and I went card shopping and I reminded her that I love taking care of them.

We had dinner at a great place in Combined Locks..."The Lox Club" which has been there since I can't remember.  Oh, God, the best bad for your heart but good for your tummy food in the world.  Got to share the time with my brother Andy and my niece Taylor.

I got to meet "Wally", the newest member of our pet family.  I must have that magic "Doggy Appeal" because we hit it off immediately.  He is the most ADORABLE puppy!  He came over for Dad's birthday party on Sunday, his official birthday, and met "Honey", Mom and Dad's old Australian.  She wagged her tail and had a blast with the little guy and it was sweet and cute.

My sister, Bunny, is having a bit of a hard time these days.  All of our family have lived through this and our wonderful "big guy" cat "Nosy" is in kidney failure.  She knows we will all be with her.  We also know that they are wise and he will tell her when he is ready to go.

Jane came for Dad's birthday and we all contributed to the food - I got Deli trays and contributed some of my home-made salsa and chutney.  Jane made awesome ribs and Andy did burgers in his slow cooker.  Everyone ate their fill and the weather was so cooperative that it was beyond perfect.  I am still feeling the warmth of the back yard and the presence of the people I love.

I didn't have nearly enough time with my sister-in-law, Jen.  But we had enough time together to know that we really like one another which is much more important than loving one another. You can love some people that drive you crazy but when you like someone you can look past a gazillion things because they are irrelevant.  I am happy to say that I not only love her but I like her a lot.  I think that I get her and she gets me.  And Taylor and I spent a night at my motel followed by swimming in the morning and a special "girly" breakfast before preparing for the party.

All in all, it was completely ordinary.  Which is just what I needed.  The glorious, joyful and ordinary moments that live within your heart forever.  The moments with the ones you love.  I feel every one of them in this room tonight and I will be able to sleep in the warmth of their love.